Monday, August 23, 2010

Blogging The First Episode Of Jersey Shore.

Even though I consider myself a relatively intelligent person, I love trash reality TV as much as the next guy.

And no TV is as trash as Jersey Shore.

While I haven't gotten around to watching the second season until now (stupid Foxtel not coming into my apartment) I decided to treat my zero readers to a full blog on the first episode.

Here goes.

1:43 - 1:50 = Bitching about the snow in the tri-state area.

1:58 = Pauly D claims you can't get a tan in the cold. Bro. You have a freaking tanning bed in your house and I'm sure it's not there as decor. Use it.

2:19 = Pauly D reveals he and the Situation (my no.2 man crush, for the record, behind Paul Gallen) are gonna make a road trip down to Miami. What would you call their ride? The SUV of STDs?

2:34 = Awww, Snooki found herself a boyfriend! How cute! He's her "gorilla juicehead" type of choice. She's gotta be the only girl on the planet who basically admits she has a terrible taste in men.

2:43 = Mr. Snooki is one sleazy-looking motherfucker. Looks like they're a perfect couple then.

2:48 = "I really don't want to cheat, I don't want to, but if you're gonna hand me a bottle of frickin' SoCal, something just comes over me." It's called being drunk, girl.

3:05 = Snooki bitching about Obama's 10% tax on tanning. Apparently McCain wouldn't have "because he's pale, and probably wants a tan." I love this girl. Seriously. I want to adopt Snooki and take her everywhere with me.

3:36 = Apparently Juicehead Boy isn't juiced enough to help Snooki load her bags into the car. Seems like a keeper already.

4:18 = Sitch and Pauly doing some male bonding.

4:40 = Snooki picking up JWoww for a road trip also. Apparently she's her "bitch in the house." I don't know, but I'm pretty sure it's the other way around, since JWoww could clearly kick Snooki's arse. Unless Snooks is skilled in mental manipulation? Watch this space.

4:48 = Snooki promises to be a "tornado" in Miami.

5:07 = Sammi is the hottest of all her friends. Clearly she doesn't share her tanning bed with them.

5:12 = OMG! Sammi and Ronnie broke up! This is gonna be interesting. Note to Sammi - girl, I suggest you hire bodyguards. We've seen how Ron gets when he's pissed off and that dude's built like a tank.

5:29 = When was it a good thing to "get creepy" with girls? Clearly I need to get creepy more if I want to get laid. Thanks, Ronnie.

6:02 = Vinny with his big Italian family. Gotta say, I don't get this guy at all. He seems like a decent, relatively normal, smart kinda guy (I remember reading somewhere he was accepted into Harvard Law School) so what's he doing hanging out with this bunch of nimrods? I guess being on TV really does get you laid more.

6:17 = Did Vinny's uncle (who looks just like Bam Margera's fat uncle Don Vito) just tell him to "not get too much nookie from Snooki?" I think he did.

6:55 = How much are MTV paying these guys? Clearly not enough for Pauly to get a GPS for his car. Maybe you should cut back on the tanning bills bro.

7:36 = Apparently Angelina (who I will refer to as Da Notorious Angie from here on out) is making a return? And she and Pauly D hooked up when they were in a LA club together? I need to follow Jersey Shore gossip more. If she does show up, it's gonna be interesting to see if she's reformed or still a cock-blocking psycho bitch.

8:13 = Yep, she's back. Da Notorious Angie is preparing to show everyone "the real Angelina" because "everyone deserves a second shot." Don't you just love those cliches? Then she goes on to claim everyone hated her cause "the girls were jealous." Yeah, and I'm jealous of my dog cause he sleeps all day. Wait, I am jealous of him for that. Bastard. And he has someone clean up his shit for him.

8:45 = Apparently Sitch and Pauly D invited her to Miami. By "invited" she means "If you guys please please please let me come I'll suck all your dicks and make you sandwiches every morning."

9:16 = All the ground clearance and sexy rims in the world apparently can't stop a Caddy Escalade from getting stuck in a South Carolina cornfield when the Dynamic Duo wanted to go light some fireworks. On that point, shouldn't they have an IQ limit for buying fireworks since, well, if you let retards play with them someone could actually get hurt? Sometimes life makes no sense.

10:08 = The Triple A truck is stuck, and Sitch makes a valid point - who do Triple A call when Triple A gets stuck? To which I answer, you could have saved yourselves that problem by just calling Ghostbusters the first time.

11:11 = Snooks' life was changed in a Georgia bar. How? She ate fried pickles. Good for her.

11:45 = Redneck bro needs to learn how to hit on a girl. Even I could do better than him. This is painful.

14:20 = Shots of Miami bikini girls. Fuck the show, just show an hour of those each week. I'd watch that.

14:52 = There's a hot tub in the new apartment! By the time the boys are done that hot tub is gonna have more STDs than Paris Hilton's pussy.

15:26 = A cameltoe shot of Da Notorious Angie as she exits the cab. Classy. Wonder how the Dynamic Duo are gonna react to seeing her. Gotta admit, girl looks pretty good from the neck down. Too bad about her face.

16:18 = Sitch admits they didn't want Da Notorious Angie there. Come on, bro. You're the Situation! Surely some cock-blocking bitch doesn't bother you? You stand there and every chick wants to fuck you. Surely she can't scare all of them away?

17:19 = And now DNG (cause Da Notorious Angie is too much to type and DNG rhymes better) wants to room with the boys. That would be an interesting room.

17:45 = Ah, now I get it. Pauly likes his chances on a slow night. Three way!

19:12 = Sammi walks in the door. Da Notorious Angie starts drama. I predict a cat fight halfway into the second episode.

19:50 = Love the "In Miami, Nobody's Ugly After 2am" sign on the wall. So true, and not just for Miami.

20:05 = My boy Vinny shows up. Cue obligatory "bro"s.

20:38 = "Just cause we're both from Staten Island doesn't mean we're going to get along. She lacks...brains, so we don't get along." Big Vin on DNG. I like this nicknaming thing where there are no nicknames already.

21:00 = Sammi, girl, we get it. You still love Ron. There's no need to remind us more than twice. In fact, once is enough.

23:59 = JWoww is pissed about DNG being there as well. You know what? Shorten those catfight odds. I'm picking by the end of this one.

24:55 = Damn, JWoww got hotter between seasons. Removing the streaks did wonders for her. Now I can vaguely understand where het nickname came from - emphasis still heavily on "vaguely."

25:45 = The bitchiness is radiating through the screen. I hope the whole season isn't about this JWoww/Snooki/Sammi - DNG battle. I want to see some club action, Vinny pulling tail and Sitch being Sitch. And hot Miami chicks. Of course.

25:48 = DNG talking shit about the girls to Sitch. Sitch waiting for DNG to suck his dick. Sitch also eager for catfight. Like I am. We should totally be mates.

27:10 = First piece of property destruction for the season = JWoww overloads a wardrobe shelf and it breaks.

28:45 = Where does DNG get the idea she's the "Kim Kardashian of Staten Island" from? She's got an arse like the Hume Highway.

29:25 = Sammi promises to "legit, beat the shit of Angelina and Ron" if they hooked up. Cause, y'know, DNG was sitting next to Ron-Ron in the hot tub. Although I would bet on her to win that fight, even against Steroidal Ron. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned and what not.

29:40 = Preparing for the first night out. There's enough drama flowing around here that anything could happen. Personally I'm picking a fight between DNG and Snooki, and Sammi backhanding Ron at least three times. Also, Pauly D will get a new STD and Vinny will get pinkeye again.

31:29 = DNG acting like a spoilt brat cause the girls are
trying to help Sammi with Ronnie. I sense catfight.

32:07 = JWoww getting mad. Last time JWoww got mad she socked Sitch in the face. I like where this is going.

32:17 = JWoww trying to reach across and hit DNG, Snooki making the most pathetic attempt known to mankind to stop her.

32:29 = Everybody screaming. This seems like an appropriate time to reference Brick Tamland. "LOUD NOISES!".

32:32 = Boys cab is totally silent.


33:10 = They're all out of the cab. Come space constraints...catfight? Plz?

34:19 = First Ronnie/Sammi fight. Yawn.

36:25 = If the whole season is about Ronnie and Sammi I'm gonna blow a gasket. WE NEED MORE SITUATION!

37:12 = Single, pissed off Ronnie is an AWESOME party companion.

37:22 = Even Pauly D agrees with me. Course, I don't know how good of a thing that is that I'm in agreement with Pauly D on anything.

37:56 = Ooh. DNG's using blackmail now, is she? This could get interesting. I want to see if Sammi can actually give Ronnie a beatdown.

39:05 = More Sammi angst interspersed with clips of Wild Ronnie.

39:18 = End credits roll as Ronnie makes out with two girls at once.

So what'd I think? Not a bad first episode. A bit too much relationship-y angst for me, but the underlying subplot with Da Notorious Angie and the rest of the girls kept me going, along with the obvious catfight potential. The rest of the season needs more Situation and Miami bikini girls. Otherwise, pretty good.

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